Dai Sun and Betty Chang (Marcia's Dad and Mom)

     

    Of course, I only knew mom and dad as Mom and Daddy.  My experience with them started when I was born and maybe not until I was 2 or 3 did I figure out they were separate from me.  These are memories beginning with my childhood.

     Mom was the stay-home mom who could do every and anything.  She was a wonderful cook, which I took for granted. I thought all women could cook like her.  Aren’t we born with that ability?  She was a seamstress who sewed all our clothes and patched and fixed everything of cloth.  When old enough, she taught us daughters to sew.  Diane became a professional seamstress/designer, Lorrie owned a dress shop, and I sewed PJs for my grandchildren.

     Dad could fix anything…TV, washers, windows, plumbing.  He was the Do It Yourself Man.  Anytime something didn’t work we’d called “Daddy!”  If a toy fell apart or the faucet in the bathroom didn’t work, Daddy could fix it.  I loved to look into his toolbox and play with all the tools.  He gave me the job of separating the screws from the nails.  That’s how I learned the difference.

     Mom and Dad were a team.  Mom would be there to help him when he was building something, fixing something, or doing chores like pulling weeds, and cleaning the backyard.  He did wash and polish the car by himself.  She was his “helper” on electrical jobs or on anything that needed nimble fingers.  He was her “helper” in carrying anything heavy, climbing up for things, and even mopping the floors. 

     Mom didn’t drive, so anything that was out of the home that could not be done via, bus, dad drove and took her even if he had to wait in the car for a few hours.  He would take her to the hairdresser, wait at the dentist, and take her grocery shopping.  They had “his” and “her” jobs but they helped each other.

     They rarely argued in front of us, even as we were grown.  Their differences were always taken care of privately.  We would know they disagreed on some action but then found out who won by the results.  One thing I can say for them was that if his way was wrong, he would say “I should have listened to you.”  If her choice was wrong, she would say “I should have listened to you.”  They owned up to their mistakes and good decisions.  If they made a wrong decision, both would work out the consequences.  Never do I remember a time they left the other to stew in their own juice.

   They were never physically combatant, or verbally abusive.  They might complain but never abusive. Dad used to say he would not use cussing language in the home because he had three daughters to protect.  Neither of them swore or used profanity.  Dad never paraded around the house undressed.  The most undressed we ever saw was in his swimming trunks at the beach. 

     Dad volunteered to help people a lot.  Mom would sometimes complain but she would be right there at his side.  He volunteered to fix someone’s kitchen or patio roof, or redo some electrical issue.  We always had someone’s lamp, television, toaster, or appliance in the back patio waiting to be fixed.

     Mom always made sure there were meals on the table.  It was only after we girls had grown and moved away from home, do I remember they ever going out to eat by themselves. Restaurant dining was a luxury that we only did on special occasions like birthdays.  On our birthday, we could order anything we wanted.  The hamburger steak was an expensive meal.  We didn’t miss going out to eat because mom was such a good cook, everything she made was better.

     There was a time when mom was very sick.  She had headaches and varicose veins so she could not walk.  She suffered through.  Every night dad would massage her legs, her neck, and head. Over time, she was healed. Although she tried to keep going, at times it was impossible to keep up the house.  My aunts (her sisters) would come over to help as we were in elementary school then.  Aunties were loving and helpful but not as good a Mom.  They could not cook like her.  As we got older, Dad told us we three girls had to help.  We did.  I think that’s when I learned how to do housekeeping, cooking, and cleaning.

     Mom took care of the budgeting while Dad worked the long hours.  I remember mom pouring over budget sheets in the evening figuring out how to have all the bills paid and yet have enough for food.  She was a good cook knowing how to cook cheap nutritious meals.  Again, we took that for granted.

     Mom and Dad gave up personal pleasures for us to have orthodontia, private school education, and college.  I remember mom saving for a new kitchen table then ended up spending it on something we needed.  She didn’t hold it against us but just said “There goes my kitchen table.”  They were careful with money but generous with their time and talent.

     Both grew up in depression years so were very frugal and saved everything.  We learned to save milk cartons, rubber bands, plastic bags, and anything reusable.  While cleaning out the Kanewai house, we found Mom’s wedding gifts in the attic that she was saving for special occasions, still in the original boxes.  At one point, when Dad was already 85 years old he didn’t want to purchase a luxury item because he was saving for his “old age.”

     I did not spend my adult life with them as I went away to graduate school and never returned to live at home.  They agreed to take out a loan for me to go to graduate school.  Out-of-state-tuition, tuition, dorms, and airfare was expensive.  When I landed a position as a Resident Assistant at the University of Illinois, they returned the loan as everything was covered by the university.  They did co-sign for me to purchase my first car.  They said my annual pay of my first teaching job paid more than dad ever made in a year his whole career as an electrician.  They were proud since they gave me the educational opportunity.

     Dad retired while I was away living in California so did not witness the radical change in their lives.  While I was in college, mom started work at Sears. She was no longer the stay-home-mom.  She dressed differently, she had a new purpose, new friends, and new interests.  She could still cook and sew but that was not her focus anymore. 

     Before my marriage, I spent two months with my parents preparing for the wedding.  Mom and I made my wedding gown.  We planned the guest list, the reception, and the details of the wedding,  That was the last time we spent any extended time together.  When I told them I was marrying Rich, there was some skepticism because he was Caucasian.  They always assumed I would marry a Chinese fellow.  This rocked their world a bit.  I had decided to marry Rich regardless of their position.  My sister Lorrie convinced them that accepting this marriage would let them enjoy their future grandchildren.  That was the winning ticket.

     When Charles was born, both Mom and Dad came to California to stay with us for a month to care for the baby, me, and the household.  Charles was by Cesarian section so I needed help.  They were invaluable.  They stayed near the house as neither could drive in CA.    Eighteen months later, James was adopted and I underwent surgery for a hysterectomy.  Again they came for a month to help.  With two babies I needed them.  Dad would fix things around the house and help clean, and Mom would take care of the babies, meals, and laundry.

     During the first 8 years of our marriage, we went to Hawaii for Christmas or in the summertime to vacation with them.  After we had 3 children over 2 years old, airfare was expensive so we brought them to California instead. 

     Then they started traveling.  They enjoyed a ballroom dancing class for seniors.  They had new freedom, new friends, and went on cruises together.  They traveled through Asia, the USA, the Caribbean, and even Europe.  They would also come to visit us in CA.  When we traveled to China for three weeks, they came to care for our children who were still young.  Dad ventured out to drive but the children could not direct him to their favorite restaurants.  Although I left detailed instructions for the acting classes, road detours threw him off.  If they had GPS in those days, it would have made life so much easier.

     They attend each of our children’s college graduations.  We took them to San Francisco for Stephanie’s college graduation.  They rode in our van with us and put up with roughing it in motels. 

     When they were 75 years old, Rich and I took them camping in Kings Canyon National Park.  They had never been camping so we thought we would give them the experience.  We got a large 5 man tent for them and outfitted it with an air mattress, lounge chairs, rugs, etc.  After we set up camp, they insisted on sleeping in our van, where we were going to sleep because they were afraid bears would come and it would be too dangerous.  At their insistence, we gave them the van and we took the luxury tent.

     At Christmas 2004, mom had a second open-heart surgery.  Lorrie called me to help as my sister Diane had the flu and Lorrie had to keep her dress shop open over the Christmas holidays.  I took the next flight out to Honolulu which happened to be New Year's eve.  The island lit up with fireworks as I flew in just before midnight. What a sight!  Mom was still in the hospital and would be discharged in a day or so.  Dad and I talked and went out for dinners.  I asked him how he felt about mom dying if that happened.  His answer was, “If that happens, then it does.  I can’t stop it.”  He never shared any other thoughts with me.  Mom made it through and I stayed for 2 weeks nursing her and looking out for Dad.  The roles were reversed.  I was taking care of them.

     I was working at Chase Mortgage at that time so took this time as my vacation.  When I returned 3 weeks later, I was laid off.  I was bummed for about 24 hours, then felt freedom.  I was wrestling with possible retirement but now they decided for me. I got severance pay and unemployment for a year.

     Their last trip to the mainland was for Stephanie’s wedding in 2005.  They stayed at our house for pre and post-wedding events.  Since the wedding was at our home on Overhill Drive, Mom wanting to help kept cooking and cleaning even when I asked her to sit down and relax.  We were having visitors, so she was always “working” to make things hospitable.  Dad, by then, was slowing down, taking naps, and just enjoying things. 

     On the day before the wedding, we were putting up the Hoopa canopy on the front lawn.  It kept falling.  The engineering in our head was right but not the reality.  The slope on the lawn was a problem.  Dad sat on a stool outside and directed us on what to do.  Following his instructions, the Hoopa went up and held steady.  At the wedding, Steph honored their 63 years of marriage with the anniversary waltz.  I think that was the last time they danced.  They could not dance during their years at Hawaii Kai because as dad said, “The brain knew the steps, but the feet wouldn’t go.”

     Mom and Daddy lived at 1285 Kanewai Street for 60+ years until they moved to Hawaii Kai, assisted living.  Because dad could no longer drive at age 88, they became prisoners of the house.  Although Mom resisted moving, Dad decided it was time, so she went.  After a year, she admitted it was the best thing for them.  They had their own large 1 bedroom apartment with all the services of meals, cleaning, medical attention, and friends included.  After 2 years there, they sold the Kanewai Street house which allowed them to live comfortably for more years than they could ever hope for.

     The last big event with them was Charles’ Wedding, Aug 18. 2010 at the Moana Hotel.  We had difficulty getting Dad there are he needed a wheelchair but Mom could walk.  Charles honored them at the wedding with ringside seats.  Unfortunately, Dad could not last through all the festivities and went home early but Mom stayed to the end of the evening.

     While in Hawaii for that occasion, I was able to spend a few moments with dad alone to tell him I loved him and it was ok to go home to the Lord when he was ready.  He agreed.  He was 94 and very tired and weak.  Four months later he made his exit.

     I will admit the most difficult years with them were the later years while I was in California, hearing the stories from my sister Lorrie.  Bless her for doing all she did.  I always supported her as much as I could.

     It was good they were at Hawaii Kai assisted living, for after Dad passed, they took care of Mom and she still had friends in the staff and the residents.  Many were aged too so they too were dying.  In July of 2011, I with Stephanie, and James, and great-grandchildren, Aidan and Maddie, went to visit her for the last time to celebrate her 93’rd birthday.  It was a quiet family-only luncheon.  The great-grandchildren called them Tai Po and Tai Goong.

     Mom had another heart episode but passed up any further surgery which she believed she would not survive.  She remembered the pain and the difficult recovery of that last two when she was younger.  She passed quietly on Sept 1, 2011.

     We had wonderful parents who taught us right from wrong, honor and respect.  They encouraged and spurred us into success.  They sacrificed so we could have a better life and their efforts paid off.  We three daughters are successful, accomplished women because of them.